Life long sharing . . .

I like what Madam Liang shared below in her book .

It really depends on how we parents view the school work, the study and education.

“Don’t use exam result to determine how many extra exercise books our children need, or which tuition to take, BUT use the result to examine our children’s studying attitude, capability and the return of their efforts. For example, always fail in Math; we have to figure out whether it’s because they didn’t work hard enough, or even though working very hard, still no improvement; then we have to find solution for it.

Treat it as an experience of failure, as difficulty which is hard to overcome;  then start find ways to handle and conquer it; this is the practice/training I am looking for.

What make me worried more, is not the children didn’t do well in exam, but not being self-demanding and don’t have problem solving skill.”

This is another good one from  Madam Liang’s  : “encourage children to go for ‘their best performance'”.

Madam Liang clarified that this is not to say ‘to go after No. 1’, nor ‘go after the scores or ranking’, which both also wrongly amplify the importance of exam result.

We as a parent, must be clear that there is a limit for our children’s capability, therefore, we should encourage them to go after their best performance, within their limit.

“Racing with oneself” – this idea should be taught since young; let the child know that the exam result is for one own assessment, NOT to go after the ranking. Yes, ranking can help us to gauge where we stand among our peers, BUT, as long as it is matching with where we should be based on our own performance, that is good; and exceeding that will be a bonus.

What I taught my children, cannot use you don’t like to study as an excuse not to try, but after you have tried your best and still not good in it, that is acceptable, and must take it and deal with it with open heart.

I hope this attitude/thinking will carry on until they are working in future, because no adult can always choose to do just what they like to do.

This sharing of how she views the importance of the period a child starting primary school is one I like the best from her book .

“When a child just entered primary school, this is the most crucial period to help them set up the right studying/learning attitude. For the first two years, whether they were doing their homework or preparing for exam, I would work together with them for every details: assess/review, discuss, figure out ways to improve, and then encourage them to continue pursue better performance.

Through this process, I let my children know, in my heart, what is called ‘try you best’. When they are used to it, this will become the basis when they set their own expectation/self-demand.”

“Time Management

When they were in Standard 1 and 2, every night after dinner, I would be at the children’s room, going through their message book and homework list together. I would guide them on how to plan their homework, which one to do first, and how to estimate how much time left for them to do other things like practise their piano, leisure reading or other enrichment class homework such as English.

I would ask them to start with the most difficult homework first, when their mind were fresher then. Only work on those that were easier such as art project subsequently, always putting those at the back.

Nowadays children are quite busy with extra co-curriculum. For enrichment class homework, I would ask them to plan it ‘weekly’, and arrange it in the free time slot after school homework.

This will give them a good understanding of  how to organize their time, after a while, they should be able to pick this up and plan their own time for homework, co-curriculum/enrichment and also rest & relaxation.”

“Paying Attention/Concentrate

I would sit with them, accompany them doing their homework, studying; coach them do revision, checking; make sure the plan for everyday was executed. When they had problem, I would lend my hands immediately, for example help to look up in dictionary etc.

The main purpose of accompanying them, beside doing the above activities repetitively in a long run to make it a habit for them, is to train and teach them on how to concentrate and control their time. I didn’t want to see them playing while doing their homework. I tried to help putting some restriction/control so that they could focus and finish their work. They played during the rest time.”

Another thing Madam Liang brought up in her book  is ‘being sensible and rationale when dealing with big children who are already in high school’.

“When the children were in high school, their father and I were only be responsible for giving advice, the final decision, the children need to make the call.”

“As long as the children believe you were always looking after their benefit or betterment, thinking for them, when parents give suggestion, even the suggestion might not be of their liking, they would still take it for serious consideration before making decision.”

“Actually the bigger the child, they are more rational. So when teaching them, as long as you can give a convincing reason, most of the time, these big children are able to accept their parents’ view as input. What must be avoided most is dealing with teenagers by force, any little things also say, “I am you father (mother), you must listen to me!” And when the children are able to challenge back in a hard way too, then the parents-child relationship will get worse. It will become more difficult to educate them in future.”

“I used to joke with my friends, raising a child, when young, we can use body strength; when they grow up,  we need to use eloquence and our brain power. If we are not good at both, to prevent the children from misunderstanding the parents ‘throw temper’ because the parents didn’t have a good reason, we should calm down, after thinking through then only decide, whether to communicate with them by writing a note, a letter or any other ways.”

“BUT if the child’s point of view is more reasonable than ours, then we must accept; if we do wrong, say something wrongly, we also need to apologize to the child.”

Another topic Madam Liang talked about in her book  is ‘building mutual trust between parents and child’.

“Some friends asked me, why my children didn’t go through the rebellious stage when they didn’t bother to listen to what their parents said, and sometimes even ended up in quarrel when they had disagreement. Why my children seemed to be willing to discuss with parents and accept our suggesting?

I think it’s because we have built the mutual trust between us. I can trust my children that I do not need to be long winded, nagging and scolding them again and again for a matter; and they can trust us that our suggestion are worth thinking and good references.

This kind of ‘mutual trust’ needs to be cultivated since young.

Children below standard 2 or 3, it’s easier for parents to get them follow the instruction by adopting a ‘strong’ attitude; but as the children grow, this method won’t work.”

“When my children were young, I was very strict on them. I have taught them to pay attention and listen to parents’ advice and teachings, making it a habit to them. I have been ‘hand heavy mouth light’ (ee.. direct translation, which means don’t scold or nag too much, but punish according), I didn’t nag. If my children didn’t respect my order, I won’t just keep on scolding but allow them to do it again and again.

BUT I also worked very hard to make sure my order or what I wanted from them, had been thoroughly thought of, avoid any emotional. Therefore, it didn’t take long for the children to understand what we asked for was sensible and rational, or what we suggested did give good result.”

Another good point I like from this book from this book : cultivate good habits starting from young.

When the children are still very small, before they have any bad habits, it’s easy for the adults to teach them to listen to them and follow the rules. This will get harder when the children grow older. Therefore, I was more strict when my children were younger. I tried to set rules for them when they were still very young, and let them learn how to play by the rules. Though it might seems like too strict or too many rules, but when both parties (parents and children) have a fixed set of rules to abide by, the interaction between both parties in life will become easy and hassle free.

When our children are young, we instil in them habits and values/perception of life. A lot of parents don’t agree with authoritarian in parenting, and believe that we should respect the children. But based on my observation, over ‘respect’ a young child who is not even mature both physically and mentally, when they grow up and in a situation where we need to interfere, most of the time, it might incur a lot of confrontation and is going to be very hard to step in.

Individual characteristic and living habits are two different things. We need to observe a child’s unique character and help him to grow in different way. But regardless of the character a child has, every children needs to have good living habits and the right attitude towards life. These good habits and right attitude must be cultivated since young by the parents, making use of a parent’s authority.

When the children has good habits and attitude, we won’t become a nagging parent, and we can slowly let go as the children getting older. Thus, we can become someone ‘cute’ in their heart. This philosophy of “eating sugar cane starting from the end”  is the method I used raising up my children in the past 18 years.

To conclude:

 

When the children are still small, help to instil the right habits in them;  they will ‘magnify’ these good habits, and their future will be unmeasurable !

The first sharing from this book is about “Being strict and persistence”.

“When the kids were small, I was notorious of being ‘fierce’. For things that I asked them to do, or I didn’t allow them to do, I was very persistence, unless they had a good reason to convince me.

If they did something wrong, my punishment was always punctual and never miss.

Every time when my daughter was asked to write essay about “My Family”, she always started with “My mother is very fierce.” I accepted this ‘image’ openly, because that was what I purposely wanted to build.

What my daughter wrote was the truth. As long as I didn’t find any anger, feeling of being treated unfairly,  aggrieved in her expression, that was ok.

Normally in the subsequent part of the essay, my daughter would describe how much the effort and care I had given her, and that she knew what I did was for the her betterment. I believe whatever we parents do for our children, they see it in their eyes, and understand it in their hearts.

Am I really that ‘fierce’? Instead of ‘fierce’, I am best described as ‘I have a very strict and persistence attitude’.”

“I believe once we have set the rules, we must think of ways to make sure the children abide by the rules. We shouldn’t simply give in and let the children challenge our bottom line and authority.

Children are smart. Once they succeed in a few challenges, they will know very clearly whose words in the house that can be ignored.”

“The way to achieve this is simple: ‘you mean what you say’. Remember: never ask your children to do something which is impossible for them, neither something you yourself also cannot do. And must avoid ‘flip-flopping’ the rules set: morning say one thing, evening change again, very ‘pantang’. If a rule is not being obeyed and keep on changing, it’s never a rule.

For example, if you set a rule that must go to bed by 10pm. But 8 out of 10 days, the child cannot make it because there are too much homework, he needs a short break surfing net, has other enrichment class,…etc and you allow him to change his bed time quite frequent, then, this rule that you set is not realistic. You must re-examine the rules and make adjustment accordingly. Or else, very soon it will end up as useless nagging.”

“If a child is taught to listen and respect the adults, this habit will be carried in them till they grow up.”

This is a book <梁旅珠教养书>, I accidentally bumped into when having a walk in Summit, where there was a Popular sales. Got it at 70%. Very grateful for having the luck to spot this book till now.

This book is a sharing by a Taiwan mother, whose daughter managed to get offer from 7 of the world top notch universities in US – Stanford University, Yale University, Harvard College, Princeton University, MIT, Columbia University and University of Pennsylvania.

A lot of time, she was ‘nagged’ by her families and friends to share how she managed to teach and raise up such an excellent child. And I like what she wrote in the Intro of the book:

“Actually I did hesitate to write this book, reason being I believe raising up a child is something quite personal; different environment, different condition, and the uniqueness of a child, … my way might work for me, and might not work for others.”

“Raising up a child, everyone also starts without experience for the first time. Even when you have second child, third child.., whatever you’ve learnt previously might not be suitable and fit exactly.Therefore the whole process of parenting is ongoing learning, observing, adjusting and correction along the way.”

I normally will fold the corner of the page when I read something good, interesting or informative. And this is one of the books which has the most folded pages in my bookshelf. (there are a few more and one is ‘How the Jews teach’, may be will share when free later)

As my sisters’ children are starting their primary school this year, and I knew they might not have as much free time as me to read so many books, my new year resolution this year, is to share about this book – those useful advice I found in it, and hopefully it helps :).