Life long sharing . . .

Posts Tagged ‘Marriage

After Chinese New Years, get my first good news. There is an opportunity for me to work in US for a project, duration 6-8 months. I am so so thrilled… well, at least for a short while, until Ling called me to help her on her worksheet, then back to the reality again.

… guess I have to say ‘No’ to my boss.

To me, it’s a kind of recognition, for all our good work done so far, that we are given such an opportunity, that we are chosen out of various IT site around the world. ..

… well, family always come first …

… some how, I am still a bit down, a bit blue …

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This is an article I read in  from Parent Wonder, written by Stacy D. Phillips.

10 Ways to Save Your Marriage

1. Yours, Mine & Ours — As important as it is to build togetherness and intimacy based on mutual interests, it’s just as important to have an inner and outer life of your own. Respect your differences and it will make the relationship stronger.

2. Time to Be Together — Sure, you’re working, cleaning, car pooling, making the kids do their homework, etc. But how important are all those things if your marriage falls apart? Make time to spend together. Take regular vacations together. Spend leisure time doing things you both enjoy. Commit to a weekly date night and make it as unbreakable as the staff meeting at work.

3. Take Care of Yourself — Spend time every day on your appearance and your physical well being. Not only will your loved one like looking at you, but you’ll feel better about yourself.

4. Communication Goes Both Ways — Many relationships fail because of misunderstandings. Effective communication skills are necessary if your relationship is going to survive. Stay calm.

5. Criticize Gently — Don’t judge too harshly. If you criticize, do it as you would want others to criticize you. Be gentle.

6. The Children — Yes, a child changes the dynamics of a relationship, but he or she doesn’t need to destroy the sanctity of your marriage. Accept the fact that children will have problems and don’t be reluctant to get outside help if it’s needed.

7. Courting — Gifts, compliments, and a loving embrace go a long way, especially when they’re unexpected. Treat your spouse with the same courtesies you did when you were dating. Pretend you are trying to win your partner all over again.

8. Romance — Keep your romantic images alive even when facing the harsh realities of life. Resolve to do just one romantic gesture for your mate every single day.

9. The Terms of Endearment
— Spell out the basics of your relationship in a yearly contract, or at least clarify them. Most disputes that break up marriages are over sex and money. Don’t let surprises lead to trouble.

10. Renegotiating the Contract — Marriage is like any other contract — its terms and conditions must be reviewed and updated. Right before an anniversary is a perfect time.

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If before married, your boyfriend has the following behavior:

  • will sleep or dose off when he is bored (watching movies, TV)
  • wake up late during weekends
  • his parents still need to nag him to do the house chores, to clean up his own room, to sit properly
  • does not wash his own clothes, does not fold his own clothes (give silly reason like you are going to wear it, why fold it)
  • does not brush his teeth constantly, does not change his towel regularly or still needs his parents to take care of all this(no good hygien) 
  • does not have plan and use the weekends properly, just sleep, eat, and let the time passes by
  • does not have a good idea what is in the calendar, when is the coming holiday, what is the next agenda/big event in his calendar 

Then you must think seriously and be very prepared that when after married to him, and has kids, he might not change. He might still dose off when you ask him to help looking after the kids, or still wake late during weekends, still needs you to act like his parents, nag him to do thing properly, how to put the dirty white shirt into the correct bin for washing, how to hang the clothes properly to dry it, check whether he has changed his towel after using it for 3 days, etc.

Life will be totally different with kids especially with age younger than 4 years old. You have to plan and use your time wisely, as a lot of time, you will lose the control to your kids. When they wake up, they demand full attention from you. And with a husband that sleeps when the kids sleep, and sleeps when the kids awake, then you have to get prepared to work double (or sometime tripple shift) and sacrify a lot of your personal time.

Try to imagine, if on Saturday morning, before married, you all sleep till the sun hangs on the middle of the sky then only go for ‘brunch’. After married with kids, you have to wake up to prepare breakfast for all. If you do not cook and prefer to eat out side, then imagine what you have to do before you can step your feet into the car. Bath, change and get dress (you and your kids), prepare the kids stuff for outing (diapers, milk pwoder, cookies). If the husband is still sleeping and expect you to complete all the above tasks only then he will wake up, then imagine how are you going to take a good bath when the toddler is running around without any supervision from adult. Then you have to wake up very early before the kids awake. What if the kids are night sleeper, only sleep after midnight, and you have to pull yourself up early in the morning to have some private time. And with a non-helping husband like this, must bare in mind that you might not have much rest during weekends as oppose to what the purpose of ‘weekend’, a day off after the long week day working. After married, your life will turn to ‘no weekend’. Week days work for company, weekends work for your kids and family. You will be like raising up your kids plus a ‘BIG’ kid (your husband).

One question you must ask yourself, are you ok living such a life. Try to compare it with your current single life? And ask yourself twice or even three times this question, before you decide to have kids.

My thought: A person who just leave his weekends fly away without planning to do something meaningful, I doubt he has a good plan for his life also (something meaningful doesnt mean must plan for a trip or big event like party, it means something small, it can be this weekend, plan to rest at home and no outing, as the previous weekdays work very late, plan to send the car for next weekend as new year is around the corner, so that no need to do the last minutes service and queuing up long, etc) …. 

I hope that when you are dating a guy and planning to tight a knot with him, please observe all this. This is very important as it will impact your life after getting married. I want to share this as this is not taught in school nor any where else. Love is not just the good feeling you have being with another person. Please pull yourself back to earth. Love wont last if the person is bringing you a miserable life later, life that you will lose your own personal time, life where you will be given more and more responsibility but less and less person to share with. 

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This is what I read from one Chinese newspaper:

最幸福的人不是結婚的女人而是結婚的男人,其次是沒結婚的女人,接著是未婚的男人,而婚姻中的女人是排在最后一位.

Translating to English, it means the ranking of happiness vs marrital status is as below:

  1. Married men
  2. Unmarried women
  3. Unmarried men
  4. Married women

Married women is at the bottom, most unhappy group.

I somehow have the same feeling. To me, there is one more criteria which is the worse: “Married and Working mother”.

For all ladies friends, think twice before you get married.

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